(Recent article titles & links are posted above.)My Latest Inspiration: (Update below)
Daily Family Communication
Start each supper with communication: ask everyone to share about how they can help the family be happier.+ Step 11 + God concept http://www.lebanonpaaa.org/read-the-big-book-12-12-online
Big Book page 62: Selfishness—self-centeredness! That, we think, is the
root of our troubles. ... First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn’t work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. ... When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well.
I agreed about the problem of selfishness, but my Reaction to that last sentence was: Yeah, right. God provides what we need IF we perform His work well. But God can always say, too bad, you didn't quite follow my directions as I intended. You didn't do your work well enough, so I won't be providing you what you need. Then I realized that's how Dad acted as my former employer: judgmental, hard-nosed, unfriendly. I then tried to improve my God concept, since I knew God wasn't like Dad, but it took me 2 or 3 years to find a better believable concept. I had been living in Denver a couple weeks and going to meetings often. Walking to a meeting one day I felt lonely, since I was still living alone and had no close friends. I had previously thought that the feeling meant I needed to find companionship, but this time I asked myself if there might be any falsehood behind that emotion, since there usually is falsehood behind most unpleasant emotions.
As soon as I asked, I realized there is falsehood behind it. Since God is always with us, I realized we're never really alone. So the feeling of being alone is an illusion. So I asked why I felt alone. Again the answer came immediately. It was because I was leary of getting close to God, because I still felt like God is judgmental, hard-nosed and unfriendly. And then I realized God isn't like that at all. God doesn't want to be a slave driver or make life miserable for us. God only wants to be our friend, help us find true happiness and give advice any time we ask for it. And it made sense then to ask God for advice as often as possible. Since then I've tried to ask God's advice often each day. And I learned later to ask for what I may need by thanking God in advance for it.+ Roadblocks to communication
While trying to have daily family communication during supper, it's best if everyone watch out for common roadblocks to communication, at least when someone has an unpleasant emotion.
- Ordering, Directing: "Stop feeling sorry for yourself..."
- Warning, Threatening: "You'll never make friends if..." "You'd better stop worrying so much or..."
- Moralizing, Preaching: "Life is not a bowl of cherries..." "You shouldn't feel that way..." "Patience is a virtue you should learn..."
- Advising, Giving Solutions: "What I would do is...", "Why don't you..." "Let me suggest..."
- Persuading with Logic, Arguing: "Here is why you are wrong..." "The facts are..." "Yes, but..."
- Judging, Criticizing, Blaming: "You are not thinking maturely..." "You are just lazy..." "Maybe you started the fight first..."
- Praising, Agreeing: "Well, I think you're doing a great job!" "You're right!--that teacher sounds awful."
- Name-calling, Ridiculing: "Crybaby--", "That's stupid to worry about one low test grade."
- Analyzing, Diagnosing: "What's wrong with you is..." "You're just tired." "What you really mean is..."
- Reassuring, Sympathizing: "Don't worry." "You'll feel better." "Oh, cheer up!"
- Questioning, Probing: "Why..." "Who...?" "What did you...?" "How...?"
- Diverting, Sarcasm, Withdrawal: "Let's talk about pleasant things..." "Why don't you try running the world!?" Remaining silent, turning away
-- Two things to know about "Roadblocks":
- These are roadblocks when the person is experiencing a problem or strong feelings (The Other Owns the Problem). When the relationship is in the "No Problem Area" many of these are not roadblocks (e.g., joking, asking questions, etc.). Some, like name-calling and ridiculing are always risky and cause problems.
- You are not a "bad" parent because you use roadblocks. You are doing what you have been taught to do to help others. P.E.T. will provide you with more effective alternatives to begin using instead of these common roadblocks.+ Communication differences between men & women
- In communication between a man and a woman:
- the man should listen for the woman's emotions, not for solutions to her problems unless she asks and not try to remember all the details of her statements.
- The woman should make her statement clear and to the point. If making a large and complicated point, break it down into chunks that he can fully understand before moving onto your next point. Also try not to interrupt him when he's talking.Update:New Relationship:
Dear prospective GF, if you like to help people, would you like to discuss ideas for a non-profit organization, or a non-profit hospital, or something like that (after our first date)?